Murder, She Drank

I’ve been following Bonnie Burton (aka @bonniegrrl) on Twitter ever since she started live-Tweeting her viewings of the old 1980s and ’90s TV show “Murder, She Wrote.” All twelve seasons are now available for instant streaming on Netflix. Oh, and for those of you who are technological grandmas, the Hallmark Channel (it’s included in my basic cable package but on one of the wicked high obscure channels you only find by accident) reruns old episodes every weeknight at Midnight and 1am EST.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 12

Technically this is appropriate book blog-fodder, right? I mean, Jessica Fletcher is a former high school English teacher turned mystery writer. Who just happens to solve real-life crimes in the process of just being her. Book tours. Speaking engagements. Kind of like Nathan Fillion does on “Castle,” only a lady. A very old lady. Who I wouldn’t enjoy being handcuffed to. No siree. *ahem*

Castle Handcuffs ABC TV Show Promo

Castle Writer FBI Flack Jacket

Castle Nathan Fillion Shirtless

…Wait, what? Nathan Fillion is dreamy. But I digress!

Since the 12th season just came out on DVD, I’m hoping the next step is a sweet box set. Maybe in a fancy-schmancy cardboard container shaped like Jessica’s vintage typewriter. Or like the leather folio from the opening title sequence of the show. Or the Cabot Cove city limits sign with the amended population…what with all the dying. If Mrs. Fletcher ever comes to your town — RUN! BECAUSE SOMEBODY IS ABOUT TO DIE AND THAT SOMEBODY MIGHT BE YOU.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 13

It’s pretty much my favorite show. Ever. In the history of time, with the timpani drums and everything. Angela Lansbury is my TV grandmother. As a child, I briefly considered a career as an assassin because all the murderers on the show were grossly incompetent and I was sure I could do so much better. You know, until my morals kicked in. Also I don’t like getting dirty so that limits my murder weapon options as far as things like splatter go. Um… Yeah. I didn’t have a good childhood, so my thoughts? Pretty dark.

Anyway! So the lovely Miss Bonnie made up her very own drinking game! Fuck yeah! I laughed so hard I could barely breathe. And upon some further Google searching, I found that 2 Birds 1 Blog (who I lovingly stole today’s blog title from) and SpoCOOL had also made games of their own. Wicked freaking awesome, as we say here in Massachusetts.

So here are the rules of the game. Consolidated. I just want to make it clear that I wrote none of this at all; I simply combined and thematically organized the rules as written by these other bloggers. Who, might I add, are far more funny and talented than I am. Duh. So now that the whole copyright and intellectual property issue warnings are out of the way, grab all the alcohol your liver can take and saddle up your couch for a night of hardcore liver abuse!

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 1

The “Murder, She Wrote” Drinking Game

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:

Jessica Fletcher says “Tonight on ‘Murder, She Wrote’…”

Jessica Fletcher says “Oh, I’m afraid this was no accident. No, it was murder.”

Jessica Fletcher says “Of course!” or “Oh, how silly I’ve been!” followed by running off to check something.

Jessica Fletcher stumbles across a dead body while jogging or riding her bike around town.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 11

Jessica Fletcher is wearing a blue velour track suit.

Jessica Fletcher fends off muggers with her purse.

Jessica Fletcher’s niece or nephew is arrested for murder.

Someone eats pie.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 2

The murder suspect doesn’t button his shirt all the way because it’s sexier that way.

You count more shoulder pads at a cocktail party than a football game.

Jessica Fletcher complains about “big city life” and yammers on about Cabot Cove.

Whenever you hear an actor try too hard to do a believable Maine accent.

Big city homicide detective calls Cabot Cove “a little fishing village.” Jessica Fletcher glares.

Whenever a homicide detective tells Jessica to go back to Cabot Cove.

Jessica Fletcher gives health advice to a cabbie.

Someone breaks into Jessica’s hotel room.

Jessica Fletcher is dressed in a creepy way at a costume party.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 3

Jessica Fletcher snoops in someone’s office.

Jessica Fletcher hides underneath a desk while snooping.

Jessica Fletcher gets trapped inside a sauna.

Someone drops something on the floor when Jessica figures out a clue.

Jessica Fletcher is hit on by an elderly dapper gent wearing a cardigan with elbow patches. (Don’t think we don’t see you, Len Cariou aka Michael Haggerty! WE SEE YOU AND YOUR FLIRTY EYES AND YOUR IRISH BROGUE.)

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 16

An old man or boy toy kisses Jessica’s hand.

Jessica Fletcher is typing her book during a scary thunderstorm.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 4

An image of lightening is used to establish the weather.

Alfred Hitchcock-like music plays to set the scene.

Someone faints.

Someone gets pushed down a flight of stairs.

Whenever Jessica Fletcher and her “cousin” are both played by Angela Lansbury.

Jessica Fletcher teams up with “Magnum, P.I.”!

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 15

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 5

Jessica Fletcher offers her famous lobster stew as a bribe.

Jessica Fletcher uses “clam dip” as a curse word.

Jessica Fletcher uses the word “shenanigans.”

Jessica Fletcher says something about how it’s a shame to throw something old away.

Jessica Fletcher flirts with Peter Graves on her book tour.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 6

Robert Goulet sighting! Or Linda Blair! Or Bruce Jenner!

Anytime you say to yourself, “Hey it’s that one guy/lady from that one show!” before they were really famous. (Lucille Bluth from “Arrested Development,” the host from “Unsolved Mysteries,” Jerry Orbach pre-“Law & Order,” the mom from “ALF,” the hunky young George Clooney, Levar Burton from “Reading Rainbow” sporting an unfortunate high top fade while looking oh-so-serious, etc.)

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 10

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 17

When there’s a guest star that used to be famous (Tab Hunter, Dorothy Lamour, etc.) but has aged and now does guest shots on prime-time family crime dramas to pay the bills.

You see an actor from “M*A*S*H” make an appearance.

You spot an actor from the original “Battlestar Galactica” in a guest star role.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 7

A mysterious caller tells Jessica Fletcher to meet at the abandoned warehouse down by the docks.

Jessica Fletcher spots a concealed weapon on someone.

Jessica Fletcher is held at gunpoint by suspect.

The killer trips up say saying something like “I didn’t shoot him!” when Jessica has only said that the victim died, and did not reveal the manner of death.

Jessica Fletcher says “X could not have known that the victim would be at the shooting
range. But you could.”

Whenever someone says, “I don’t have to answer your questions, lady!”

Whenever Jessica Fletcher is mistakenly arrested for murder.

When the murder weapon is bizarre — an Amazon blowpipe or, as in one episode, a gate. (Yes.)

Whenever it’s a theme episode and Jessica has to deal with a wacky subculture, like theatre people, pornographers, or the DAR.

Everytime Jessica goes somewhere exotic (New Orleans, London, the Concorde) and — uh-oh — gets mixed up in murder. Take two drinks if the story is very specific to the place.

When the motive is hilariously obscure. Take two drinks if it involves an inheritance or revenge for something that happened many years ago.

Whenever you hear an actor try too hard to do a believable Maine accent.

The most serious-looking face belongs to a deer in any scene with Tom Bosley.

Murder She Wrote Drinking Game 8

Freeze-frame hug at the end. (See also: Fuck Yeah, Jessica Fletcher — which is a Tumblr photo blog dedicated to capturing all the awkward freeze-frame action.)

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4 Responses to Murder, She Drank

  1. Nollie says:

    I think there should also be a “drink if an actor from M*A*S*H appears on screen” to this game, because nearly the entire cast made an appearance on Murder, She Wrote at some time or another. =)

  2. udc says:

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the show! So addicted at the moment and will definitely give the game a try!

    I’ve noticed a lot of actors from Seinfeld, too 🙂

  3. Gina says:

    I’ve noticed in EVERY episode of M.S.W. Jessica always has either long sleeves or 3/4 length sleeves. Maybe she’s hiding some bad tattoo work?

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