I’ve been neglecting my book blog for a long while now. It’s not that I don’t like it, because I’m actually pleasantly surprised at how much I do love writing…for fun (words I never ever thought I would type). But I put too much pressure on myself to produce content, and it was pushing my body to the point of making myself sick. That’s not good. So I’m not sure what’s going to happen with my blog…if I’m going to keep going but at a slower pace, or if I’m going to give it up entirely. I keep jotting down points on Post-It Notes for each new book I read in the hopes I’ll end up writing about it here one day.
I’ve been trying to find a back surgeon who’s willing to cut me, and recently I found one. I’m not sure if I’m going to do it. I mean, I think I have to. I want to try, because being bedridden and getting worse every day is just not acceptable. I want a life. I want to be able to do things again. At the very least, I would like to be able to do something as basic as blog here without it making me bleed from stress! If the surgery works, if the rehab takes, I would be trying to finish the one semester I have left to complete my Bachelor’s degree. And I know myself well enough to know that I throw myself into school in a way that leaves little time for a social life. I want to go to grad school and get my Master’s in library science…even though I can’t afford it. So who knows what will happen with the blog? There’s also the possibility that surgery does nothing, or that complications make everything worse, in which case I’m still left unsure as to what will happen here.
I hope for improvement. If I’m going to be a cripple for life, the kind that has to rely on disability because I’m not physically able to work, I hope that I at least improve enough to blog here on a daily basis without hurting myself. I need to do something, anything, with my life. I need to feel productive. I don’t feel that way now, and it’s horribly depressing. I don’t know how else to describe it.
So that’s what’s up. I hope I’ll be writing here again soon. Thank you all for your support, especially those of you who took the time and effort to comment, because I know as a blog reader I’m the kind of lurker who rarely makes her presence known. It means more to me than I could ever say. Thank you.